I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
