just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
