Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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