Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
