i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
