everyone is single if you try hard enough
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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