She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
