please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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