the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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