She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
