She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
And then he peed in my hair
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