the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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