The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
