If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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