No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
