i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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