I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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