so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
