My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
