i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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