Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
