I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
