The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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