And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
