She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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