she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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