his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
