Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
