i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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