hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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