I will die if light touches me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Houston, we have a squirter
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't deserve a penis
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
