You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
