i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
send nudes
from the living room?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
