watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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