I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize