Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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