Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
