By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you win again, gameday.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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