i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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