Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
