i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
