the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Pooping to opera.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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