I just pynch a tree in the face
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
