I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
