when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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