I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
