I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
