we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
