Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
