Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize