Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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