your parents love me but you hate me
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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