a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
