me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
