Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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