My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
