I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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