either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
