ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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