we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize