Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
