Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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